Damm who hurt you

You said something that got under my skin.  I was trying to be funny because you asked the same question twice.  You dont get my humor.  I'm finally alone and your not here.  I wanted you here in the past but you changed.  You told me to wait for you but you didnt wait for me.  You didnt show up when I asked you to come.  

the snapchat guy came and left

so I recently got a new phone and made a new snapchat.  no it wasn't meant to catfish anyone.  the camera quality is better on my new note 4.  yes I know that there are better note phones but this is the last one where you can take out the battery.  so I added and deleted and added snapchat boy ( see previous story for more details).  he finally responded and even though he yelled at me it felt so good to talk to him again even if he didn't know who I was.  he asked if I was a guy and I told him no but you hate me.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I thought maybe I can talk to him and get him to like me and then tell him who I am but it never got to that because he said deuces so I told him who I was.  we haven't spoken since and I guess it's for the best leave the past in the past.  I just missed him sometimes.  no one ever sticks around in my life longer than 4 months ( my longest relationship was 3 months around around quarter ).  obviously it's me but if they don't even like me than I don't want them to stay around regardless

April fools

I love you
oh you don't feel the same?
April fools douchebag

he snapped himself out of my life

we first spoke on snapchat.  it wasn't love at first sight but he did grow on me over time.  I thought maybe he might like me.  boy was I wrong.  he was so adorable and nerdy.  it was so cute.  I knew something was wrong when he asked me to send him what he thought I had sent him before.  that was the first clue.  it all changed after that he got all wierd and angry.  I still wanted him even though he said to me what he said to everyone else.  he was a great distraction from the last guy I hoped we could have been friends.  but he turned out to be like every other guy wanting pictures or nothing at all.  I picked the latter and we were over just like that.  I thought I was over him but I still think about him sometimes.  it's hard when you fall for someone so quickly and they shove aside just as fast.  we only knew each other for a month but that month was the happiest one I've had in a long time.  I just wish it could have worked out but he blocked me now.  apparently I have issues but as julia said you have them too.  sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I like the pain but why would someone cause themselves pain.  I miss him but it's over I'll move on soon but know I will dwell

I won't say it

it's been awhile since I've posted here.  so many guys have come and gone.  so many tears have left me.  every guy I ever loved has made me feel this way.  the way a deer feels as she sees her mother fall to the ground as blood spills out of the hole that was where the bullet hit.  the same way a child feels walking alone in a great mall looking for her lost mother.  the same way we all felt when bernie lost the election.  I thought he liked me at least in the beginning but he never did and never will. he only wanted me for the night.  if I knew at that time that it would be the last time he ever looked at me like that I wouldn't have pushed him away.  I would have held on to that moment until dawn when I couldn't hold on anymore.  when sleep took hold of me and time stood still for in our dreams we can do anything.

Revelation

I was at the bar Saturday night.  It was around 2:30 and I was soberish.  As I sipped my fruit loops flavored vodka from a water cup I had a revelation.  Every guy that I thought was interested in me didn't actually want me as a person they just wanted to have "relations" one way or another.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and as I looked at my straw I sighed.  I guess people noticed my dazed look because the bartender asked if I was ok.  I looked up at his handsome face and nodded my head.  It was too hard to speak I didn't want to reveal the truth that my whole love life was a sham.  As I slurped the last of my "vodka/water" the female bartender asked if I wanted more water I nodded and she took my cup.  I hoped she didn't smell the vodka in it.  The handsome bartender came back and asked me to point out the guy so he could kick him out.  I told him he wasn't here as I thought about the guy from about a month ago.  I couldn't believe I wasn't over him yet.  Why do I always fall for guys that don't even like me.  I am so easily deceived.  I'm surprised I haven't been killed by now or at least roofied.  The female bartender handed me my cup of ice water and I mumbled a "thankyou".  As I sipped the water I saw a man looking at me from across the bar.  He wasn't bad looking, but anyone could look good in this bar it was dark but light enough to find your chair.  A really tall man , about 6"11, walked over to me.  I remembered him from the last time I was at the bar.  He was one of the bouncers.  He asked if I was OK I said yes and he asked if I wanted a drink.  I said yes and told him a long island.  He said he'll be right back and walked away.  The bartender gave me the drink.  Lesson learned if you look really depressed and your cleavage is on point some one will buy you a drink

Genetics

I always thought it was genetic
but I was wrong
It was just you
You're responsible for this
You're the one that makes me feel this way
To want to say goodbye everyday
To want to leave behind my memory
Sometimes I forget
Because I programmed my brain
To wipe away the memories
But every time I think I'm OK
You remind me why I should go away
You ruined my childhood that day
When we didn't leave and we stayed
I blacked it out
But it's still there
Lingering behind my hair
A little girl of 5 or 6
The way I dealt with all of this
I do not know
I don't remember
What had happened in December
But after the events of that day
The little girl walked away
Leaving behind a broken child
Not understanding anything at all
You'll never know
I won't tell
I can't wait to go to he'll

Guys list

Barry- first red head but didn't last 24 hours
Eric - first but had a girlfriend
Avi - never liked me only used me
Mathew - coke made him want me ghosted me since day 2
randy - left with a blond cuz I wouldnt put out
frank - said was looking for a relationship but admitted he lied
brian - was friends after he just stopped everything doesn't talk to me anymore I'm on week three of forcing myself not to text him
pawel - talked to on snapchat for a month wanted to meet 4 times then blocked me because I wouldn't send him nudes
ryann - first bengladesh guy I was ever attracted too I liked him but I was just a girl in a bar and he ghosted me then two months later he came back then ghosted me I'm currently not texting him he lied about a jaw injury he was cute tho

...

It's done

It's over I'm done
I said goodbye
The feelings that I felt
They just were a lie
That's the last time
that I will I ever cry
I fell for your charm
I didn't know why
You treated me like
A piece of a fry
The one that's dirty
The one that no one likes
I was stupid and drunk
I thought that you liked me
I guess I was just played
like a barbie
Except I had a heart
And you tried to choke me
You stole my heart
It's broken like a zombie
I'm over you now
So don't expect a peace treaty
I'm not a piece of land
I was something like a pawn
You traded me up
Because I wouldn't finish
Your loss boy
cuz I'm better than your new one
You'll find out later maybe even sooner
But I'll be gone by than
Like a buffet in a dinner

It's over

I'm done this is the last time he's going to hurt me.  I called on blocked and he asked who I was I heard a bunch of girls in the background.   I shouldn't have said my name.  As soon as he heard it he hung up and the dam broke.  I feel like I'm chasing waterfalls.  It's odd but now I know he positively hates me so now I can move on.  That took me long enough.   I feel like I always fall for guys that treat me like used gum.  And that's kind of true.  Maybe love just doesn't exist for me and it's only one sided

You'll be ok

it has been a fortnight and im still not over him.  He ghosted me at least that's what I think he did.  He hasn't answered my texts and my calls go straight to voice mail so he probably blocked me.  I don't understand I thought we were getting along I fell asleep for two hours it must be something I did when I was sleeping.   Or the fact that we were both really drunk and he got sober before me and realized I'm "ugly".  We got along so well I don't understand what I did wrong.  If I was needy it was because I knew this would happen.  That he would never contact me again and I wanted those moments to last forever.  It hurts to breathe sometimes when I think about him.  It was only for a few hours but It felt like so much longer.  It was ten hours.  I gave up ten hours of my life that I thought could lead to something.  Not like a relationship ,although that did cross my mind once or twice, but a friendship.  We could of had brunch together or I could of been his wing woman.  I'm so used to this all ready but this time was different I actually liked him and I thought he liked me too.  This too shall pass I've been in love before but he betrayed me he lost my trust and now I will never trust a man again.  It's an hour to v day and I'm single which is fine.  It's sad that the guy you want doesn't want you but I have gotten calls from men that weren't him.  I wonder how long it will take me to move on.  So far two weeks isn't enough time but time will tell but until then 

It's probably over now

So I did a stupid thing.he asked me over I came.  He seemed to ask me what I wanted and we all know how in decisive I am so I went.  He didnt really want me I knew this because of his body language after he fell asleep I did the stupid thing.  I was drunk his roommate was there.  I was bored.  Also it was the wrong roommate.  He probably hates me now.  But if he actually liked me he wouldn't be so aggressive.  His aggressiveness was the reason I did that.  He pissed me off.  I don't think he actually likes me even if he says he did.  He is a lying manipulater and I'm glad it's over.  I doubt he will ask me to come over again.  His other roommate is really hot tho.  I royally "screwed" myself over.  #dammit

But wait

Is it over.  He called but I was busy.  I told him to call me the next day.  He didnt.  I should have know l.  If a guy calls you at 2:52 in the morning it's just a booth call and he doesn't really want hang out with you .

It's over

It's over.  We haven't spoken in a fortnight.  He stopped calling after I ignored his call on monday.  I don't mind. It's his faughlt.  I'm better off without him.  It is odd tho.  I can't stop thinking about him. 

Avoid him

How can you avoid someone when their sitting on top of you

Prostitute

The only way I can get what I want is through financial means

So like a prostitute ?

He's baaaack

So he texted me again.  Our texts went on for a few hours.  I was the last one to text him so now I can't text him until he texts me.  It's not like I can't live without him.  I have gone out with other men it just isn't the same.  It feels different now.  I still love him but I don't need him now I just want him.  I guess that means I've grown in a way.  He was all i thought about.  Comparing him to every new guy.  But it's obvious now he doesn't feel the same and I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with that because recently a few men have told me they love me and i didn't feel the same.  I felt bad for them.  I never told the guy i always assumed he knew.  Of course he knew.  He used to talk about me behind my back to my friends, his friends, and even a woman whose child I watched while she went out with her boyfriend.   I trusted that woman.  I'm too trusting obviously.   She made fun of my clothes , my intelligence and spoke about a crush I had on a boy to the boy himself, how that happened I have no idea,. I have major trust issues these days.  I can't take a compliment from a guy with out thinking he has an alternative motive.  Although that is usually true.  Most men compliment girls to sleep with them eventually.  Some guy told me he never realized how pretty I was.  And then tried something else.  I should have known.  I'm not accepting compliments any more.  I didn't create myself so technically I cant.

This love has taken its toll on me

So he hasn't answered my texts for a fortnight now actually 19 days to be exact.  He is either dead, has no wifi, or is ignoring me.  I dont mind if he is ignoring me because I do that too sometimes.   I guess that means I'm done.  No more drunk dialing.  No more stupid texts on his birthday.   Nothing.  I'm moving on and I mean it this time one more drunken text is all I'm allowing myself.  Which will happen on new years eve when I'm very drunk.  And then goodbye.  Goodbye to your memories.  Goodbye to those air conditioned summers.  I'm almost done using the cologne I bought for his birthday.   It still reminds me of him but it's a limited edition so I'll probably never smell it again.  I hate this part.   The part where you have to force yourself to let go because I think I still love him but it can't go on because it's starting to tread into stalker territory.  I know I'll regret this one way or another but it's been way to long i met him in June 2010.  That was the best summer ever.  And now it's just a memory that I will lock away in my head where I can't remember it.  A memory that will be blocked out until I hear his name or pass his st or even see him again.  THE END I HOPE

I did it again

At first I thought his friend may have liked me but it was becoming more obvious that he didn't when he left.  He only left because we left him out of the conversation.   And that's when his friend started hitting on me.  And i didn't think he was serious at first.  But he was kinda cute though and I was bored so ..........

I knew it was a mistake and he will probably tell his friends when he is drunk but I don't care because not a lot happened.  I wish I hadn't but it was fun.  And now he probably won't even look at me if I ever see him again.  This is so sad I kind of liked talking to him as a person and now he'll look right past me as if I'm part of the scenery.

This is why I don't have a boyfriend

So a guy drives by signals to me and makes a u turn.  I should have known it would end badly from that.  a few days later We go to a pool hall and drink some beer.  As we approach my destination he asks if it's OK for him to jerk off.  WTH IS THIS WHAT A FIRST DATE ENDS WITH?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN THEY ARE SO GROSS