Damm who hurt you

You said something that got under my skin.  I was trying to be funny because you asked the same question twice.  You dont get my humor.  I'm finally alone and your not here.  I wanted you here in the past but you changed.  You told me to wait for you but you didnt wait for me.  You didnt show up when I asked you to come.  

the snapchat guy came and left

so I recently got a new phone and made a new snapchat.  no it wasn't meant to catfish anyone.  the camera quality is better on my new note 4.  yes I know that there are better note phones but this is the last one where you can take out the battery.  so I added and deleted and added snapchat boy ( see previous story for more details).  he finally responded and even though he yelled at me it felt so good to talk to him again even if he didn't know who I was.  he asked if I was a guy and I told him no but you hate me.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I thought maybe I can talk to him and get him to like me and then tell him who I am but it never got to that because he said deuces so I told him who I was.  we haven't spoken since and I guess it's for the best leave the past in the past.  I just missed him sometimes.  no one ever sticks around in my life longer than 4 months ( my longest relationship was 3 months around around quarter ).  obviously it's me but if they don't even like me than I don't want them to stay around regardless

April fools

I love you
oh you don't feel the same?
April fools douchebag

he snapped himself out of my life

we first spoke on snapchat.  it wasn't love at first sight but he did grow on me over time.  I thought maybe he might like me.  boy was I wrong.  he was so adorable and nerdy.  it was so cute.  I knew something was wrong when he asked me to send him what he thought I had sent him before.  that was the first clue.  it all changed after that he got all wierd and angry.  I still wanted him even though he said to me what he said to everyone else.  he was a great distraction from the last guy I hoped we could have been friends.  but he turned out to be like every other guy wanting pictures or nothing at all.  I picked the latter and we were over just like that.  I thought I was over him but I still think about him sometimes.  it's hard when you fall for someone so quickly and they shove aside just as fast.  we only knew each other for a month but that month was the happiest one I've had in a long time.  I just wish it could have worked out but he blocked me now.  apparently I have issues but as julia said you have them too.  sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I like the pain but why would someone cause themselves pain.  I miss him but it's over I'll move on soon but know I will dwell

I won't say it

it's been awhile since I've posted here.  so many guys have come and gone.  so many tears have left me.  every guy I ever loved has made me feel this way.  the way a deer feels as she sees her mother fall to the ground as blood spills out of the hole that was where the bullet hit.  the same way a child feels walking alone in a great mall looking for her lost mother.  the same way we all felt when bernie lost the election.  I thought he liked me at least in the beginning but he never did and never will. he only wanted me for the night.  if I knew at that time that it would be the last time he ever looked at me like that I wouldn't have pushed him away.  I would have held on to that moment until dawn when I couldn't hold on anymore.  when sleep took hold of me and time stood still for in our dreams we can do anything.

Revelation

I was at the bar Saturday night.  It was around 2:30 and I was soberish.  As I sipped my fruit loops flavored vodka from a water cup I had a revelation.  Every guy that I thought was interested in me didn't actually want me as a person they just wanted to have "relations" one way or another.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and as I looked at my straw I sighed.  I guess people noticed my dazed look because the bartender asked if I was ok.  I looked up at his handsome face and nodded my head.  It was too hard to speak I didn't want to reveal the truth that my whole love life was a sham.  As I slurped the last of my "vodka/water" the female bartender asked if I wanted more water I nodded and she took my cup.  I hoped she didn't smell the vodka in it.  The handsome bartender came back and asked me to point out the guy so he could kick him out.  I told him he wasn't here as I thought about the guy from about a month ago.  I couldn't believe I wasn't over him yet.  Why do I always fall for guys that don't even like me.  I am so easily deceived.  I'm surprised I haven't been killed by now or at least roofied.  The female bartender handed me my cup of ice water and I mumbled a "thankyou".  As I sipped the water I saw a man looking at me from across the bar.  He wasn't bad looking, but anyone could look good in this bar it was dark but light enough to find your chair.  A really tall man , about 6"11, walked over to me.  I remembered him from the last time I was at the bar.  He was one of the bouncers.  He asked if I was OK I said yes and he asked if I wanted a drink.  I said yes and told him a long island.  He said he'll be right back and walked away.  The bartender gave me the drink.  Lesson learned if you look really depressed and your cleavage is on point some one will buy you a drink

Genetics

I always thought it was genetic
but I was wrong
It was just you
You're responsible for this
You're the one that makes me feel this way
To want to say goodbye everyday
To want to leave behind my memory
Sometimes I forget
Because I programmed my brain
To wipe away the memories
But every time I think I'm OK
You remind me why I should go away
You ruined my childhood that day
When we didn't leave and we stayed
I blacked it out
But it's still there
Lingering behind my hair
A little girl of 5 or 6
The way I dealt with all of this
I do not know
I don't remember
What had happened in December
But after the events of that day
The little girl walked away
Leaving behind a broken child
Not understanding anything at all
You'll never know
I won't tell
I can't wait to go to he'll