April fools

I love you
oh you don't feel the same?
April fools douchebag

he snapped himself out of my life

we first spoke on snapchat.  it wasn't love at first sight but he did grow on me over time.  I thought maybe he might like me.  boy was I wrong.  he was so adorable and nerdy.  it was so cute.  I knew something was wrong when he asked me to send him what he thought I had sent him before.  that was the first clue.  it all changed after that he got all wierd and angry.  I still wanted him even though he said to me what he said to everyone else.  he was a great distraction from the last guy I hoped we could have been friends.  but he turned out to be like every other guy wanting pictures or nothing at all.  I picked the latter and we were over just like that.  I thought I was over him but I still think about him sometimes.  it's hard when you fall for someone so quickly and they shove aside just as fast.  we only knew each other for a month but that month was the happiest one I've had in a long time.  I just wish it could have worked out but he blocked me now.  apparently I have issues but as julia said you have them too.  sometimes I wonder if I'm sabotaging myself because I like the pain but why would someone cause themselves pain.  I miss him but it's over I'll move on soon but know I will dwell

I won't say it

it's been awhile since I've posted here.  so many guys have come and gone.  so many tears have left me.  every guy I ever loved has made me feel this way.  the way a deer feels as she sees her mother fall to the ground as blood spills out of the hole that was where the bullet hit.  the same way a child feels walking alone in a great mall looking for her lost mother.  the same way we all felt when bernie lost the election.  I thought he liked me at least in the beginning but he never did and never will. he only wanted me for the night.  if I knew at that time that it would be the last time he ever looked at me like that I wouldn't have pushed him away.  I would have held on to that moment until dawn when I couldn't hold on anymore.  when sleep took hold of me and time stood still for in our dreams we can do anything.

Revelation

I was at the bar Saturday night.  It was around 2:30 and I was soberish.  As I sipped my fruit loops flavored vodka from a water cup I had a revelation.  Every guy that I thought was interested in me didn't actually want me as a person they just wanted to have "relations" one way or another.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and as I looked at my straw I sighed.  I guess people noticed my dazed look because the bartender asked if I was ok.  I looked up at his handsome face and nodded my head.  It was too hard to speak I didn't want to reveal the truth that my whole love life was a sham.  As I slurped the last of my "vodka/water" the female bartender asked if I wanted more water I nodded and she took my cup.  I hoped she didn't smell the vodka in it.  The handsome bartender came back and asked me to point out the guy so he could kick him out.  I told him he wasn't here as I thought about the guy from about a month ago.  I couldn't believe I wasn't over him yet.  Why do I always fall for guys that don't even like me.  I am so easily deceived.  I'm surprised I haven't been killed by now or at least roofied.  The female bartender handed me my cup of ice water and I mumbled a "thankyou".  As I sipped the water I saw a man looking at me from across the bar.  He wasn't bad looking, but anyone could look good in this bar it was dark but light enough to find your chair.  A really tall man , about 6"11, walked over to me.  I remembered him from the last time I was at the bar.  He was one of the bouncers.  He asked if I was OK I said yes and he asked if I wanted a drink.  I said yes and told him a long island.  He said he'll be right back and walked away.  The bartender gave me the drink.  Lesson learned if you look really depressed and your cleavage is on point some one will buy you a drink

Genetics

I always thought it was genetic
but I was wrong
It was just you
You're responsible for this
You're the one that makes me feel this way
To want to say goodbye everyday
To want to leave behind my memory
Sometimes I forget
Because I programmed my brain
To wipe away the memories
But every time I think I'm OK
You remind me why I should go away
You ruined my childhood that day
When we didn't leave and we stayed
I blacked it out
But it's still there
Lingering behind my hair
A little girl of 5 or 6
The way I dealt with all of this
I do not know
I don't remember
What had happened in December
But after the events of that day
The little girl walked away
Leaving behind a broken child
Not understanding anything at all
You'll never know
I won't tell
I can't wait to go to he'll

Guys list

Barry- first red head but didn't last 24 hours
Eric - first but had a girlfriend
Avi - never liked me only used me
Mathew - coke made him want me ghosted me since day 2
randy - left with a blond cuz I wouldnt put out
frank - said was looking for a relationship but admitted he lied
brian - was friends after he just stopped everything doesn't talk to me anymore I'm on week three of forcing myself not to text him
pawel - talked to on snapchat for a month wanted to meet 4 times then blocked me because I wouldn't send him nudes
ryann - first bengladesh guy I was ever attracted too I liked him but I was just a girl in a bar and he ghosted me then two months later he came back then ghosted me I'm currently not texting him he lied about a jaw injury he was cute tho

...

It's done

It's over I'm done
I said goodbye
The feelings that I felt
They just were a lie
That's the last time
that I will I ever cry
I fell for your charm
I didn't know why
You treated me like
A piece of a fry
The one that's dirty
The one that no one likes
I was stupid and drunk
I thought that you liked me
I guess I was just played
like a barbie
Except I had a heart
And you tried to choke me
You stole my heart
It's broken like a zombie
I'm over you now
So don't expect a peace treaty
I'm not a piece of land
I was something like a pawn
You traded me up
Because I wouldn't finish
Your loss boy
cuz I'm better than your new one
You'll find out later maybe even sooner
But I'll be gone by than
Like a buffet in a dinner