Revelation

I was at the bar Saturday night.  It was around 2:30 and I was soberish.  As I sipped my fruit loops flavored vodka from a water cup I had a revelation.  Every guy that I thought was interested in me didn't actually want me as a person they just wanted to have "relations" one way or another.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and as I looked at my straw I sighed.  I guess people noticed my dazed look because the bartender asked if I was ok.  I looked up at his handsome face and nodded my head.  It was too hard to speak I didn't want to reveal the truth that my whole love life was a sham.  As I slurped the last of my "vodka/water" the female bartender asked if I wanted more water I nodded and she took my cup.  I hoped she didn't smell the vodka in it.  The handsome bartender came back and asked me to point out the guy so he could kick him out.  I told him he wasn't here as I thought about the guy from about a month ago.  I couldn't believe I wasn't over him yet.  Why do I always fall for guys that don't even like me.  I am so easily deceived.  I'm surprised I haven't been killed by now or at least roofied.  The female bartender handed me my cup of ice water and I mumbled a "thankyou".  As I sipped the water I saw a man looking at me from across the bar.  He wasn't bad looking, but anyone could look good in this bar it was dark but light enough to find your chair.  A really tall man , about 6"11, walked over to me.  I remembered him from the last time I was at the bar.  He was one of the bouncers.  He asked if I was OK I said yes and he asked if I wanted a drink.  I said yes and told him a long island.  He said he'll be right back and walked away.  The bartender gave me the drink.  Lesson learned if you look really depressed and your cleavage is on point some one will buy you a drink

Genetics

I always thought it was genetic
but I was wrong
It was just you
You're responsible for this
You're the one that makes me feel this way
To want to say goodbye everyday
To want to leave behind my memory
Sometimes I forget
Because I programmed my brain
To wipe away the memories
But every time I think I'm OK
You remind me why I should go away
You ruined my childhood that day
When we didn't leave and we stayed
I blacked it out
But it's still there
Lingering behind my hair
A little girl of 5 or 6
The way I dealt with all of this
I do not know
I don't remember
What had happened in December
But after the events of that day
The little girl walked away
Leaving behind a broken child
Not understanding anything at all
You'll never know
I won't tell
I can't wait to go to he'll

Guys list

Barry- first red head but didn't last 24 hours
Eric - first but had a girlfriend
Avi - never liked me only used me
Mathew - coke made him want me ghosted me since day 2
randy - left with a blond cuz I wouldnt put out
frank - said was looking for a relationship but admitted he lied
brian - was friends after he just stopped everything doesn't talk to me anymore I'm on week three of forcing myself not to text him
pawel - talked to on snapchat for a month wanted to meet 4 times then blocked me because I wouldn't send him nudes
ryann - first bengladesh guy I was ever attracted too I liked him but I was just a girl in a bar and he ghosted me then two months later he came back then ghosted me I'm currently not texting him he lied about a jaw injury he was cute tho

...

It's done

It's over I'm done
I said goodbye
The feelings that I felt
They just were a lie
That's the last time
that I will I ever cry
I fell for your charm
I didn't know why
You treated me like
A piece of a fry
The one that's dirty
The one that no one likes
I was stupid and drunk
I thought that you liked me
I guess I was just played
like a barbie
Except I had a heart
And you tried to choke me
You stole my heart
It's broken like a zombie
I'm over you now
So don't expect a peace treaty
I'm not a piece of land
I was something like a pawn
You traded me up
Because I wouldn't finish
Your loss boy
cuz I'm better than your new one
You'll find out later maybe even sooner
But I'll be gone by than
Like a buffet in a dinner

It's over

I'm done this is the last time he's going to hurt me.  I called on blocked and he asked who I was I heard a bunch of girls in the background.   I shouldn't have said my name.  As soon as he heard it he hung up and the dam broke.  I feel like I'm chasing waterfalls.  It's odd but now I know he positively hates me so now I can move on.  That took me long enough.   I feel like I always fall for guys that treat me like used gum.  And that's kind of true.  Maybe love just doesn't exist for me and it's only one sided

You'll be ok

it has been a fortnight and im still not over him.  He ghosted me at least that's what I think he did.  He hasn't answered my texts and my calls go straight to voice mail so he probably blocked me.  I don't understand I thought we were getting along I fell asleep for two hours it must be something I did when I was sleeping.   Or the fact that we were both really drunk and he got sober before me and realized I'm "ugly".  We got along so well I don't understand what I did wrong.  If I was needy it was because I knew this would happen.  That he would never contact me again and I wanted those moments to last forever.  It hurts to breathe sometimes when I think about him.  It was only for a few hours but It felt like so much longer.  It was ten hours.  I gave up ten hours of my life that I thought could lead to something.  Not like a relationship ,although that did cross my mind once or twice, but a friendship.  We could of had brunch together or I could of been his wing woman.  I'm so used to this all ready but this time was different I actually liked him and I thought he liked me too.  This too shall pass I've been in love before but he betrayed me he lost my trust and now I will never trust a man again.  It's an hour to v day and I'm single which is fine.  It's sad that the guy you want doesn't want you but I have gotten calls from men that weren't him.  I wonder how long it will take me to move on.  So far two weeks isn't enough time but time will tell but until then